A Pastoral Letter on Upcoming Council Action on Same-Gender Marriage: Part 3

This is the third of a four part series. Please also read Part 1, Part 2 and Part 4. Council will vote on its proposed resolution on Thursday, November 21, 2013 at 6:30 p.m. All council meetings are open to the public. If you wish to communicate with council prior to the vote, please e-mail council@sotv.org.

Part 3: Some personal perspectives on same-gender marriage

Pastor Chris Smith
Senior Pastor

I have had a lot of very personal and emotional pastoral conversations lately about same-gender marriage. Where people land on this question has a lot to do with personal experience. As with much in life, it’s often not about what you know; it’s about who you know.

As the congregation dialogues in October took place, I was impressed with the way the Church Council and its president facilitated the dialogues. By offering a few basic ground rules, most of the conversations, with a few exceptions, were caring and respectful. That is remarkable, considering how personal and emotional the topic of same-gender marriage is.

Dialogue participants shared perspectives about same gender marriage based on a variety of things. Some discussed biology and whether sexual orientation was innate or not. Some shared perspectives on sexuality that others had taught them as they had grown up. There was a lot of conversation based on the witness of the Scriptures (I’ll write about that next week). There was also a lot of sharing about personal relationships. People spoke about siblings, co-workers, friends, children, grandchildren, and other relatives who were gay or lesbian. That’s where I want to focus for a moment.

There are at least two impacts from these personal relationships. First, when people discover that someone they care about is gay or lesbian, it can change their perspective. Attitudes about same-gender relationships and marriage tend to shift when people we care about tell us about their homosexual orientation. People also begin to realize in a more concrete way that a person’s sexuality does not define their identity. The knowledge that someone is heterosexual or homosexual reveals absolutely nothing about that person’s identity, talents, gifts, insights, loves, vocation, or hopes. So, one impact I observe is that sometimes attitudes change when family members and friends learn that someone they care about is gay or lesbian. They can change because they love the person and see beyond sexual orientation.

The second impact I have observed when people discover that someone they care about is gay or lesbian, is that it can sometimes place them in a bind. Our perspectives on same-gender marriage come from all sorts of places and those perspectives can result in conflict within us. Someone might believe that the Scriptures prohibit same-gender marriage and yet they may also have a child who is gay or lesbian and wishes to marry. How do they deal with that? Their love and loyalty to that child are at odds with their interpretation of the Bible.

Over the years, I have visited with many families who are suddenly faced with the reality of a child who is gay or lesbian. The impact of this revelation is often to shake up long-held beliefs and sometimes to cause those families to re-assess their convictions. This is not easy stuff. Sometimes the result is an enduring feeling of being conflicted and even alienation within a family. Sometimes families reach a point of acceptance because they are able to see beyond sexual orientation and its implications.

The process that the Church Council and, really, our whole church is working through is also very personal. I know it has been for me. Working on these blogs and having conversations with people from SOTV whom I care about have been good experiences for me. They have made me realize how much I do not yet understand about the whole question of same-gender marriage. I also find myself humbled because I feel that I (along with the council, my colleagues and our whole church) am in a kind of bind as well. I have met with many people for whom I have great respect who are adamantly opposed to same-gender marriage. I have had similar conversations with those who are in favor of it. And, several on both sides have stated that if the council votes one way or the other, they will leave SOTV for other churches, either more progressive or more conservative.

Comments like that concern me. As I said in my second blog, your pastoral staff is dedicated to serving and supporting all the people of this church in the name of Jesus. That individuals or whole households would depart over a matter that is not central to our vision for ministry concerns me because we seek to welcome everyone, whatever your perspective is on the controversial issues of the day. We believe we are one family of faith, bound together by the love of Jesus Christ, and that there is a place for everyone.

One thing I know after being immersed in the question of same-gender marriage for so many months is that what I am writing here is not the last word. It is a beginning word. We do not know what pain or bind our neighbor is in amid the struggles we all share as human beings. Discussions about topics like same-gender marriage reveal our brokenness, our aspirations, and our longing for certainty. When we are dealing with people’s lives, hopes, dreams, and the care we have for one another, things are often less than certain and it is also personal. We need to be careful, loving and respectful in our conversations.

One other thing has become very clear to me, too. Precisely because the question of same-gender marriage is so personal, we will never all fully agree. Take a look at the resolution the church council is considering for its vote. If you do, you will get a sense of how the council has taken this question seriously and personally. The resolution acknowledges the differences among council leaders, and yet also names the unity in mission they seek to exemplify. The resolution also frames the question not as one where there will be winners and losers, but rather as one which gives us a way to move forward together. This has been a significant struggle and cause of anxiety for your council as they have striven to discern the best path and I have been impressed by how transparent they have been when meeting with one another in the past several months. In that context they are trying sincerely to model the potential we have as the people of God to do more together, under our unity in Christ, than we could ever do individually.

See You in Church,

Pastor Chris Smith

P.S.: I have received a few comments asking why the congregation as a whole is not voting on the question of same-gender marriage. There are three main reasons.

1. This is not a matter central to fulfilling our vision. While this question is briefly taking our attention now, there is much more to be done to invite all to experience the welcome, transformation and sending of Jesus Christ.  
2. As I said in my second blog, the question of same-gender marriage is really a question of pastoral practice. The council seldom exercises influence on the practice of pastoral staff at SOTV (only in this case, in my recollection). As such, matters of pastoral practice are not really subject to congregational vote. They are subject to pastoral judgment and only occasional council consultation.
3. On a matter that is so personal, all that a congregational vote would accomplish is to alienate those who end up in the minority. That does not serve the unity of the Body of Christ. 

Please note: All comments made below will be received and reviewed upon submission. Vulgar or offensive commentary will not be posted for public view. You may also send questions or comments to council@sotv.org.